Getting From Where I Am To Who I Want To Be

Have you ever felt super amped about the direction your life is going, only to suddenly feel overwhelmed, sluggish and discouraged about the length of the road ahead?

I have to admit this is the reason today's post is coming in so late. The month of January was exhilarating in many ways. I'd left my old job. I began nannying. I landed my first substantial freelance gigs — two websites — and I fielded a handful of inquiries on new work. I also launched an online shop of educational birth infographics, completely unexpectedly. This little hobby of mine suddenly became a brand of its own, gaining 100 followers on Instagram in about two weeks, and getting visited by over 1000 people in its first few days!

None of that even touches on this blog. Originally, I'd intended to blog solely about design and best practices in branding. But as my heart was pulled and stretched and ached with every new headline, and through many difficult conversations I saw and overheard online or otherwise — I found myself posting about the politics around us — even if from a somewhat brand-centric perspective.

So now I find myself wondering something I've wondered before, "What am I doing?"

And I find myself answering in the same way I've answered over and over again.

"I don't really know."

Not expecting that? Well me neither. I always want to be able to articulate exactly what my plan is. But I'm just not able to. And honestly, I think this is something to embrace. I have no idea where I'll be in a year, let alone the direction of my community, my city, my country.

So rather than focus on a plan that could easily become upended in a moment, I focus on knowing the person that will have to weather and be blessed to enjoy whatever unexpected things are ahead.

And who do I want to be?

Someone who loves her work and does her work excellently.

Someone whose work creates meaningful change in families and communities.

Someone who lives simply, that she may be able to give more.

Someone who doesn't make decisions based upon fear.

Someone who laughs a lot and doesn't run herself ragged.

Someone who would rather cry for others than not know their needs and be content.

Someone who thinks a great deal before she speaks.

Someone who learns for more than her own knowledge.

Someone with more hope and faith and optimism than the world can justify.

Someone who embraces challenge, always pursuing growth.

You know, it's so funny. Because right now as I type, the 6-year-old child I nanny is lying beside his 4-month-old brother on the floor, and he's just said to the baby, "I like you. You're awesome."

And I'm smiling, laughing only to myself (because who would disturb a moment like this with out-loud sound?), because that's it right there. He loves his brother, not for anything his brother has done or could plan to do, but because of who he is.

We tend to lose that as we grow older, for each other and ourselves. As for me, I'm hanging on; I'm trying not to. I have to hold on to who I want to be and just take it day by day, getting there.

How about for you? Who do you want to be? How do you process this journey?